Yes! Amazon announces delivery of all aspects of Life to your door.
(January 8, 2017)
In a surprising, yet unsurprising, unparalleled, yet inevitable societal development, Amazon said today that they are now delivering all of Life right to your door. Industry experts,who preferred to remain anonymous, said this means that emotions, spirituality and social engagement will now arrive in the familiar brown box, just like your favorite re-order of paper towels or re-purchased electronic must-haves.
Amazon spokesperson Edvard Munch (no relation to the 20th century Norwegian painter) giggled as he declared that this means that all people at every level of desire will soon enjoy the convenience of not having to remember, think, or plan about the past, present or future. Munch went on to scream, "We're happy to announce this market-cornering action, and hope its value becomes clear as more and more people stay in their homes, texting and Instagramming on smartphones securely snuggled in 20% off retail phone cases."
Amazon's CEO Seller X coughed twice, cleared his throat and whispered that fear & anxiety are the first emotions slated to be offered with Life service, with wistfulness soon to follow. Spiritual states of Grace will be available by March, with dreams and wishes able to be ordered and delivered sometime this summer.
The third phase of roll out will provide social media posts, pictures, quips, news clips and funny videos for your use, all customized to resemble your former social activities (without having to actually do anything).
Reaction to the news by such rain-on-the-parade-types as cultural studies professors at small and wildly expensive private colleges railed against the Life delivery system, one of them boldly declaring, "We will whine & bitch about this until it's time to go to get new corduroy pants--at an actual store!"
Performance artist extraordinaire Marina Abramovic (look her up, I dare you!) quickly decided to sit at a small table in front of every person in the world's door, silently waiting for something or other.
White House spokesperson A. Hole could not be reached for comment, but President Trump immediately tweeted, "Bally-who, slim jim, coo-coo cachoo."